Table of Contents
One of the most difficult decisions we may face in life is ending a romantic relationship. This decision becomes even more complicated when children are involved, as many people fear that divorce or separation could cause them irreparable harm. However, it is essential to understand the consequences, for us and our children, of staying in a relationship in which we are unhappy.
In therapy, we often hear the same phrase from mothers and fathers: “I’m staying for my children.” While that decision is usually driven by a great deal of love, it is also often influenced by other emotions and circumstances that are important to acknowledge to be honest with ourselves. Many times, a mother or father stays in the relationship because of guilt, thinking something like, “If I leave, I’ll ruin my child’s childhood.” Other times, it is due to the fear of being alone, making the wrong decision, or facing everything that change may bring. In some cases, financial dependence or uncertainty about work makes the idea of separating even more difficult. It may also be that they stay because they hope things will improve and that the relationship will go back to how it used to be. And, almost always, there is the challenge of imagining how family life would be reorganized (“Where will we live? Will I get to spend less time with the children because custody will be shared?”, etc.).
A good way to explore why you are staying in a relationship that no longer makes you happy is to ask yourself: “If there were no fear, guilt, or dependence, would I still want to stay in this relationship?” Although it is not always easy to answer honestly, this question often provides far more clarity than we expect.
What is worse for a child: separation or an unhappy home?
The idea that staying in a relationship that no longer works is the best way to protect children is a myth that has existed for a long time and remains deeply rooted. This is understandable, as in the past preserving the family unit was often considered more important than the well-being of the people within it, and it was not that long ago that married couples were not legally able to separate or divorce. Fortunately, times have changed, and today we can choose.
So, is staying together better for children no matter what? In most cases, the answer is no. Children are highly sensitive to what happens at home and notice tension, emotional distance, or sadness between their parents far more than we often realize.
In these situations, there are usually two different scenarios, both of which can have negative consequences. One is a home where shouting, arguments, criticism, or contempt are common. In other families, there are no major conflicts, but there is also no affection, closeness, or communication. These are couples who live together more like roommates. Although from the outside it may seem as though “nothing is wrong,” and staying together in a peaceful but emotionally distant relationship may appear more acceptable, children also perceive that emotional distance and learn from it.
Emotional consequences for children
When parents stay together solely for the sake of their children, those children may grow up believing that it is normal to be in an unhappy relationship without affection or emotional connection. This can shape the way they understand love and relationships in the future. After all, we learn from the relationships we see at home, and if we have never experienced a healthy relationship model, it is difficult to know what one should look like.
As a result, children may come to believe that life is a constant conflict, that problems are avoided rather than addressed, that shouting, blaming, or showing contempt are acceptable ways to deal with difficulties, that affection is not expressed in romantic relationships, or that even if you are unhappy with someone, leaving is simply not an option because “you have to put up with it.” In addition, many children live in a constant state of alert and may develop anxiety, insecurity, or fear. Some even end up feeling responsible for keeping the peace at home.
Separation when children are involved has an emotional impact on the entire family, that is undeniable. We cannot prevent children from experiencing sadness, frustration, or uncertainty in response to such a significant change in their lives. However, growing up in an environment marked by conflict, hostility, or a prolonged absence of affection can be far more harmful to their emotional and psychological development than a well-managed separation.
And although separation is painful, it does not have to be traumatic. In fact, what affects children the most is not the separation itself, but how it happens. High levels of conflict, constant arguments, speaking badly about the other parent, using children as messengers, or making them feel they have to choose sides…these are the experiences that cause the greatest harm. When adults handle the situation with respect, stability, and emotional support, children often adapt far better than we imagine. In fact, some even feel relieved when they are told about the decision, especially those who have spent a long time living in a difficult environment. It is not uncommon to hear them say: “There’s more peace at home now.”
Signs that the situation is affecting them
Although children do not always express it directly, certain changes in their behaviour may suggest that the situation is affecting them. Some of the most common signs include increased irritability, social withdrawal, sadness, sleep difficulties or nightmares, regression to earlier developmental stages (such as wetting the bed again or speaking as they did when they were younger), stomach aches or headaches with no apparent medical cause, a decline in school performance, anxiety when separating from one or both parents, taking on the role of mediator between them, or becoming overly concerned about the atmosphere at home.
What you can do starting today
There are small actions that can make a big difference in how children experience this process. For example, avoid arguing in front of them, do not involve them in adult problems, ask them how they are feeling without pressuring them to talk, and remind them that what is happening is not their fault. It is also helpful to maintain their usual routines as much as possible and set aside quality time to spend together.
What is the best age to separate?
This is a question I am asked very often in therapy, but the truth is that there is no perfect age to separate. What matters most is not the children’s age, but how the adults manage the situation and respond to their emotional needs at each stage of development.
When children are babies or in early childhood, they need stability, routines, and emotionally available attachment figures. Although they may not understand the separation, they can still sense tension if it is not handled well, and they may be affected by it.
School-aged children usually need clear, simple explanations that are appropriate for their level of understanding. It is common for many of them to fantasise about their parents getting back together or to feel responsible for what has happened.
Teenagers generally understand the situation better, although that does not necessarily make it easier for them. They may react with anger, withdrawal, rejection, or even indifference. They need space to express their emotions without feeling caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict.
How to tell your children: what helps and what doesn’t
Many parents choose not to talk much about the situation because they believe this will spare their children from suffering. However, uncertainty often causes more distress than a clear, age-appropriate explanation. Ideally, the decision should be communicated together, calmly, and in a way that conveys reassurance.
What DOES help
- Speak honestly and simply.
- Explain what will change and what will stay the same.
- Reassure them that they will continue to be loved by both parents.
- Validate their emotions.
- Reassure them that their routines will be maintained whenever possible.
- Phrases that may help: “This is not your fault”, “We love you just as much as ever”, “Even though we are no longer a couple, we will always be your parents”, “You can ask us anything you need”, “It’s okay to feel sad or angry”, “We’re going to help you through this.”
What DOESN’T help
- Speaking badly about the other parent.
- Sharing details about the relationship.
- Making them choose between one parent and the other.
- Using them as messengers.
- Giving them false hope.
If you’re not separating right now: how to reduce the impact
Not everyone is ready to separate at this moment, and that is completely valid. Sometimes there is fear, financial dependence, or a great deal of uncertainty. However, if you decide to remain in the relationship, it is important to try to minimise the emotional impact on your children.
Some golden rules at home
- Do not argue in front of them.
- Do not use them as weapons in the middle of the conflict.
- Avoid contempt, humiliation, or shouting.
- Find opportunities to have adult conversations without the children being present.
- Try to ensure that your children do not carry the emotional burden of their parents.
When financial dependence is involved, it may help to gradually build a support network, seek legal or financial advice, begin planning step by step, and/or look for therapeutic support. Very often, the first step is not separating immediately, but regaining a sense of capability and independence and no longer feeling trapped.
When there is still mutual respect, a willingness to change, and the ability to communicate, couples therapy can be beneficial. Some couples discover in therapy that there is still room to rebuild the relationship in a healthier way, while others come to realise that separating can also be a responsible and caring decision. However, when there is violence, abuse, manipulation, coercion, or fear, the priority should not be saving the relationship but protecting the emotional and physical well-being of the person affected and of the children.
Frequently Asked Questions I often receive in therapy
Is it normal to stay in a relationship because of my children?
Yes. It is one of the most common reasons why many couples stay together. Most parents make this decision because they are trying to protect their children from pain. However, it is also important to ask yourself how growing up in an environment marked by conflict, tension, or ongoing emotional distress may be affecting your children.
Am I harming my children if I stay with my partner?
Not necessarily, but it depends greatly on the family environment. Children can adapt to many situations when there is respect, stability, and emotional security. The problem arises when they are constantly exposed to arguments, hostility, contempt, or emotional disconnection.
Which is worse: divorce or living in constant tension?
In most cases, growing up for years in an environment filled with emotional tension is more harmful than a well-managed separation. What affects children the most is not the divorce itself, but the ongoing conflict and feeling caught in the middle of their parents.
At what age is separation least traumatic?
There is no ideal age. Every stage of development comes with its own challenges, but children can adapt well when they receive stability, emotional support, and explanations that are appropriate for their level of development.
How should I tell my children that we’re separating?
Ideally, both parents should tell them together, calmly, and using simple language. It is important to explain what will change and what will stay the same, making it clear that they are not to blame and that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents.
What should I do if my child thinks it’s their fault?
It is essential to correct this belief as soon as possible. Many children interpret separation through an egocentric perspective and believe they caused the problem. Reassuring them clearly that this is a decision made by the adults can be incredibly comforting.
What if we don’t argue, but there is no love left?
The absence of conflict does not always mean there is well-being. Children also notice emotional distance, coldness, and disconnection between their parents. Growing up watching a relationship without affection can shape how they understand love and relationships in the future.
How can we separate without putting the children in the middle?
It is essential to avoid using them as messengers, speaking badly about the other parent, or involving them in adult conflicts. Children need to feel that they are free to love both parents without feeling guilty or torn between them.
What should I do if I am financially dependent and cannot leave?
In these situations, it is important to take things one step at a time. Seeking support from family, professional guidance, or therapy can help you organise your situation and regain a sense of security. It may not always be possible to make immediate decisions, but it is possible to begin building alternatives.
Conclusion
The phrase “I’m staying for my children” is often driven by equal parts love, fear, and guilt. However, it is also important to remember that the quality of the relationship between parents has a profound impact on their children’s emotional well-being. What protects children the most is not whether their parents stay together, but whether they are able to grow up in a stable, respectful, and emotionally safe environment—whether their parents remain together or separate.
If you find yourself in this situation, therapy can help you work through feelings of guilt, make informed decisions, communicate with your children, and develop a transition plan so that your family can move through this stage in the healthiest way possible for everyone.
About the author
Aina Fiol Veny
General Health Psychologist · Registered psychologist B-02615
Aina Fiol Veny is a general health psychologist at Instituto Psicología-Sexología Mallorca. Registered psychologist B-02615, she supports adults experiencing emotional distress, anxiety, depression and other psychological difficulties.