What does self-compassion mean in psychology?
According to Gilbert (2014) self-compassion is defined as “sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it”. It is a healthier way of relating to ourselves, especially when we experience pain, suffering or failure. Using self-compassion involves treating ourselves kindlier, like how we would treat a friend who is going through a difficult time. Thus, instead of punishing ourselves when we are suffering, if we are self-compassionate we will try to understand ourselves and soothe that pain with empathy, affection and kindness.
Interest in self-compassion has grown notably during the last decade. Being able to be self-compassionate has been associated with essential aspects within general health psychology, such as greater emotional well-being, greater satisfaction and motivation with life, better interpersonal relationships, higher self-esteem, better physical health and lower levels of anxiety and depression (Neff and Germer, 2020).
Self-compassion has three components that are interrelated:
- Being kind to yourself. Treating yourself as how you would treat a friend or beloved one. Being kind and understanding rather than treating yourself cruelly for your mistakes or imperfections.
- Shared humanity. Perceiving suffering as part of the larger human experience. This involves being aware that all human beings go through difficult times, experience unpleasant emotions sometimes, mess up and make mistakes. Also that suffering is part of life and that every one of us suffers. When we feel pain, we tend to think that we are the only ones who suffer, and we sometimes isolate ourselves. The pain I feel at a given moment is similar to the pain you feel in another similar situations. When we remember that, it is easier for us to connect with others, to lean on them when we need help and to treat each other with more kindness.
- Mindfulness. It involves being aware of our emotional experience in the present moment and being able to experience our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without resisting and judging them. It is especially difficult when we experience unpleasant emotions, but if we observe our pain mindfully and without judgment, we will be able to recognize it without exaggerating it and without getting trapped in it.
What does self-compassion NOT mean?
It is very important to be clear about what self-compassion is and what it is not since it is often confused with other concepts and therefore generates resistance in some people. Self-compassion is NOT:
- Feeling sorry for yourself. In fact, self-compassion is the opposite, because instead of saying “poor me”, it focuses on the fact that life is hard for everyone and helps us to take more distance and not get caught up in our discomfort.
- Being weak. Self-compassion helps us to increase resilience and gives us courage to face the difficulties that arise throughout life.
- Being selfish. Some people think that being self-compassionate implies being selfish, but it has been shown that people who treat themselves compassionately tend to be more supportive and caring, and take less time to forgive others.
- Not being able to achieve my goals. Many people believe that being self-critical is an effective motivator to achieve our goals, that, if we over-forgive ourselves, we will relax and not achieve success. Quite the opposite, since self-compassion motivates us to develop our full potential and not punish ourselves when things do not go as expected. This results in less fear of failure and greater perseverance.
Examples of self-compassion
Let’s look at some examples of typical situations in which we stop punishing ourselves and treat ourselves in a self-compassionate way:
- We made a mistake at work. We will act in a self-compassionate way if instead of saying to ourselves “How could you be so stupid? This doesn’t happen to anyone. You’re going to get fired and you deserve it.” we say “It’s human to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it’s normal to be scared of the consequences. You did the best you could, and you can learn from it for the future.”
- It took longer than usual to be served in a restaurant and we were rude to the waiter. Instead of telling us “I’ve made a fool of myself, they’re going to think I’m crazy. I will never go back to that restaurant again, I am so embarrassed”, we can say “I was frustrated because the waiter took so long, I got angry and reacted disproportionately. I was also worried because I was late for the meeting. Everyone overreacts sometimes. I was wrong, but it’s not the end of the world. I can go back next week and apologize or act more patiently with the next waiter I meet.”
How to work on self-compassion?
Some exercises to enhance self-compassion are the following:
- Think about how you would talk to a friend or beloved one if he/she was in the same difficult situation you are in. The following questions can be useful: What would you say? What voice tone would you use? How would you comfort him/her?
- Make a self-compassion diary. Dedicate a moment every day to write down any situation in which you have felt bad during the day, or you have judged yourself. Subsequently, try to assume an attentive and kind attitude towards yourself and towards what has happened. If you are surprised by a negative thought, try to modify it in a more compassionate way. For example, if you think “I’m useless”, change it to “Maybe I’m not as good as I’d like with this task, but I can improve little by little”.
- Write a letter to yourself. First think of something you consider an imperfection and then, write a letter about it, but as if you were writing it to a close friend. Then read it and notice how your speech and your emotions change with respect to what you thought or felt before.
- Carry out some daily activity, such as eating or drinking, with full awareness of the emotional experience you are having at this moment. Every time your attention deviates, bring it again and again to the present moment in a gentle way and without forcing yourself.
Self-compassion needs to be practiced on daily basis. We must be aware that we probably spent a lot of time treating ourselves in a strict and rigid way, and therefore, it may take some time to change this dynamic. If you think that you treat yourself in a very hard way and you want to improve your relationship with yourself, do not hesitate to contact us.
If you liked this post, we recommend you continue reading our blog about “Mindfulness. What is it and what is it for“.
Bibliographical references:
Galve, J. J. G. (2012). Revisión del concepto psicológico de la autocompasión. Medicina naturista, 6, 5-7.
Neff, K., y Germer, C. (2020). Cuaderno de trabajo de mindfulness y autocompasión. Bilbao: Desclée de Brouwer.
Aina Fiol Veny
Psychologist Col. Nº B-02615