When we talk about relational orientation, we are referring to the different ways in which romantic and sexual relationships can be established. In a simple way, we could define two major models: monogamy and non-monogamy.
On the one hand, monogamy is the established norm in most societies. Most people believe that when we find a partner, we will establish a relationship with exclusivity, both sexual and romantic. This is also usually linked to the achievement of the social ladder. In other words, finding a partner not only presupposes that there will be exclusivity with him/her, but that there will also be a commitment, usually materialized in marriage, cohabitation, the search for offspring, etc.
On the other hand, non-monogamies try to divide themselves from the established norm. Non-monogamies seek to establish relationships based on the principles of (1) the free choice of the objectives and form of the relationship, and (2) the possibility of reviewing and making more flexible the agreements that make it up.
There will be people who feel more identified with a monogamous relational orientation, and others with the non-monogamous one. However, that orientation doesn’t have to be static. There are many factors that can influence this condition: previous history of relationships, our upbringing, religion, personality, etc. And beyond these, it will often require a previous deconstruction process, in which we must analyse the beliefs of the monogamous model in which we have been preconceived, and think about how they clash with our experience, our needs, etc. From there, we will be able to choose more consciously the type of relational model we want.
Types of non-monogamy
We speak of non-monogamies, in the plural, indeed because there are different relational submodels within this category. We find a lot of diversity within it, but some of the most common are:
- Open relationship: these are couples who maintain romantic but not sexual exclusivity. Within this group, each couple will have different agreements. There will be couples who decide not to know about sexual encounters outside the relationship, others will want to know it. Some will decide to veto certain people and/or practices outside the relationship, others will not, etc. A very common form of open relationship is known as a “permeable relationship”. It consists of agreeing to have these non-exclusive sexual relations always with a third person. That is, what is commonly known as having a threesome. Not to be confused with a polyamorous relationship between three people: trieja.
- Swingers: they are couples who maintain romantic exclusivity, and most of the time also sexual, but also carry out erotic encounters with other people. They are usually carried out in closed groups, in which at the same time and in a consensual way, they are allowed to have sex with other people. The most well-known are partner exchanges.
- Hierarchical polyamory: includes relationships in which there is no exclusivity of romantic or sexual, but in which a hierarchy of bonds is established. This will imply that there will be a “main partner”, with whom the possibility of having other secondary sexual-affective bonds, in this case also called “satellite”, will be agreed.
- Non-hierarchical polyamory: relationships of more than two people, in which there is no hierarchy between the established bonds. Romantic and sexual exclusivity is usually delimited between the members that make it up, but not necessarily. This could lead to the trieja: a relationship formed between three people, in which the bond is horizontal between the three members, and in which there is an agreement (or not) of polyfidelity (romantic and/or sexual exclusivity between the three).
- Relational anarchy: These are relationships in which there is no exclusivity of any kind, nor hierarchy of bonds. It is the style of relationship furthest from monogamy.
- Monopoly or Polymono: relationships in which one party has sexual and/or romantic exclusivity, and the other party does not. It occurs when the relationship converges between a monogamous person and a non-monogamous person.
It should be understood that, by themselves, these definitions do not represent the full diversity of non-monogamous relationships that may exist. We can fit our non-monogamous relationship into one of them, or not. The same relationship can coincide with aspects of one and the other, and can mutate from one type to another, depending on the agreements that are established between the members.
Some important aspects to take into account to define a non-monogamous relationship according to our needs are the following:
- Sexual exclusivity
- Romantic exclusivity
- Whether or not there is a hierarchy between the links that are established, and how we define each link (privileges of each).
- Other agreements, such as those referring to (1) the communication of sexual relations outside the main relationship, (2) the sexual practices allowed outside the main relationship, (3) etc.
Common conflicts in non-monogamy
Far from what is usually thought, the conflicts that most commonly originate are not due to a lack of exclusivity, but rather to individual conflicts and others specific to relationships. Some to keep in mind are:
- Previous individual insecurities: for example, if there is any insecurity when it comes to socializing or flirting, or with one’s own body, this can lead to problems comparing with your partner’s other bonds.
- Guilt and shame: for example, guilt for feeling that we can’t fully adapt to non-monogamy, or shame of what others will think of our relationship.
- Jealousy: Jealousy arises in any type of relationship, both monogamous and non-monogamous. It is common to find people who believe they cannot be in an open relationship because they say they are jealous. However, jealousy can appear in the same way in any relational model. They are related to those individual insecurities that we have also mentioned. We can feel jealous and at the same time, be happy that our partner can enjoy his/her sexuality independently. We will have to deal with them with communication, limits and revisable agreements.
- Communication and information: if it is already a challenge in monogamous relationships, it will be so in non-monogamous relationships. Agreeing on what to share with other relationships and what not, being able to explain what makes me feel insecure about how open the relationship is and reaching agreements for it, etc., are some examples.
- Limits: Boundaries are necessary in any type of relationship. Concerning love relationships, many people have conceived the limit more as an attempt to control and prohibition (e.g., you can’t look at another woman). However, the limit is rather an attempt to protect ourselves, so it should be exercised from self-care (e.g.: I feel insecure if while we are together you talk on WhatsApp with your other bond at any time. I understand that nothing bad is happening, but I can’t avoid feeling displaced. What would you think if we agreed to do that at another moment?). That way of setting boundaries is just as new and necessary for anyone, not just people in a non-monogamous relationship. It is a pending subject that is worth learning about.
Ethics as a form of prevention
In both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, we are all susceptible to commit mistakes, not being responsible to others, not knowing how to argue properly, being jealous, etc. In order not to fall into harmful dynamics, such as excessive control, blaming, etc., it is important to be governed by ethical principles. According to the book Promiscuous Ethics (Easton & Hardy, 2017), the ethical principles of non-monogamy are:
- Ethical relationships: refers to the fact that the will to harm the other party cannot be conceived, that there is no intention to manipulate or use the relationship for individual purposes.
- Honest relationships: Ideally, there should be open and sincere communication from the beginning of the relationship. Avoiding important information for the other party or deliberately lying, even if it is for fear of losing the partner, does not augur a healthy relationship.
- Conscious relationships: all parties must know the necessary information, and must be able to express everything they need, to be an active part of the agreement making.
- Free relationships: Commitment to the relationship should never imply disrespecting the individual needs of each member.
- Flexible relationships: the relationship evolves, in the same way that each member evolves. This means that the relationship’s conditions must be adapted, the agreements must be reviewed.
If you think you are having difficulties in your relationship, whether it is monogamous or non-monogamous, and you need professional help to deal with these difficulties, you can ask for help at our centre. We will attend to your demand by adapting to your particular situation as a couple.
References
Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2017). Promiscuous Ethics: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Loving Freedoms. Editorial Melusina.
Guillem Nicolau Coll
General Health Psychologist
Col. No.: B-02773