Have you ever felt forced to be happy, even when you thought you had no reason to be happy? Have you ever felt that when you tried to force yourself to be happy, you didn’t succeed and felt even worse? If you feel that it is not legitimate to have moments of discomfort and you find yourself at the crossroads of seeking happiness at all costs, you may be under what some call the “dictatorship of happiness”.
Nowadays, we are constantly bombarded by motivational quotes, slogans such as “you can achieve EVERYTHING you set your mind to”, or images from advertising or social networks of smiling people who seem to be happy all the time. Do not get me wrong, telling ourselves positive phrases, looking for pleasant moments and trying to relativize what is upsetting us, can be very useful for our emotional experience. But is it always useful? The answer is no. Taking this philosophy to the extreme can lead to more negative emotional consequences than positive ones and being aware of this can help us to avoid falling into this emotional “trap”.
Underlying the dictatorship of happiness are some basic premises. The first one is that we must always be happy. We have been sold this idea so hard and we want it so much that we target happiness as an absolute goal, as something that once we have achieved it, we cannot lose it. If we set this unattainable goal, every time we do not feel as happy as we think we should be, we will become frustrated (“Why can’t I be happy?”, “Why does everyone around me seem to be happier than me?”) and the discomfort I already felt will be increased. Do not worry if you also set or have ever set yourself this goal, it is very usual. The problem is not wanting to be happy but considering that happiness as the end of the road and not as something that is part of the path of life. If we believe that, we will constantly be on the hunt of this state, following irrational expectations (it is impossible to be always happy) and without considering the emotional wear and tear that entails.
Another harmful premise related to the previous one is to think that we cannot have unpleasant states or emotions. Along the way, there will be times when I will not feel happy or content. In fact, there will be many, many moments when I will feel sad, angry, frustrated, worried…and that is okay, it is normal. Almost nobody likes to experience unpleasant emotions, but they are an important and necessary part of our life. We must know that each emotion has its function, and that negative or unpleasant emotions exist for a reason. Anxiety can be useful in many moments of our life (having a certain degree of anxiety in a job interview will lead us to prepare the interview and do a better performance). If I have had an important loss for me, it is normal for me to be sad and express it as this will help me to unburden myself. Furthermore, others will be able to offer me their support. Whenever an injustice occurs, it is normal for me to feel anger and therefore, I may try to stand up for my rights. Trying to avoid or repress unpleasant emotions systematically never helps us. Doing that is like sweeping under the carpet: the first time you will not notice it, but when you have been doing it for a while, you will end up noticing everything you have hidden there, and it will come out. It is the same with emotions and it is important, rather than avoiding or repressing, to learn to tolerate and regulate these emotions.
Another assumption implicit in this dictatorship is that you are responsible for how you feel, and if you do not feel good, maybe you are not trying hard enough. How many times have we heard replies like “it is not that bad”, “you have to be more positive”, or “if you feel bad, it is because you want to”. Well, sometimes it is not so simple…there will be times when something will make us feel very bad, and sure we have so many reasons and the right to feel that way. Many people who follow this to the letter end up feeling tremendous guilt for not being able to be happy, or end up repressing every unpleasant emotion they feel, seeming or even believing themselves that they are always fine. It is important to keep in mind that not always “where there is a will there is a way” and that adopting that thinking strictly can be very harmful. So good for Mr. Wonderful, who has filled our diaries, notebooks and mugs with positive and beautiful quotes that can be very useful in many moments of our lives. But we must remember that it is not about being positive per se, because there are circumstances in our lives that make it very difficult for us to be happy at a certain time and the most adaptive action is to express that pain and not to keep it to ourselves. In addition, each person is different and not all of us react the same way to the same situation. We should not forget that our emotions are influenced by multiple factors (genetic, socioeconomic, cultural, etc.). Therefore, we should not invalidate what a person feels in each situation, just because we do not feel or would not feel the same.
That is not to say that it is not important to promote positive emotions as they can help us to better cope with the difficulties we may encounter. But it is important to try to be as realistic as possible, considering our personal limitations and the world around us. And above all, not to censor ourselves and to accept our emotions. Remember that it is okay to not always be okay, that you have the right to be sad, to cry, to get angry, to get nervous… No one has the right to invalidate your emotions and to tell you how you should feel.
If you feel trapped under the “dictatorship of happiness” and/or think that you have problems regulating your emotions, do not hesitate to contact us and we will try to do our best to help you.
Aina Fiol Veny
Psychologist Col. Nº B-02615