Has it ever happened to you that, when trying to meet someone, that person suddenly disappear? Or has he/she been “stalling you” until you’ve lost sight of him/her? If the answer to any of those questions is “yes”, then you have been a victim of ghosting.
On the contrary, have you ever done it to someone?
What is ghosting or emotional ghosting?
The word ghosting comes from the English term “ghost” and is the term used to define the act of disappearing from someone’s life for no apparent reason. This disappearance creates discomfort for the person who is “abandoned”, which is considered a “victim” of ghosting. That is why there are people who add the last name “emotional” to the term, referring to the emotional consequences on the victim.
Unfortunately, this phenomenon is booming, and many people have either experienced it, or have exerted it on another. It usually occurs in sentimental relationships that are beginning. In other words, shortly after dating someone, with the intention to keep meeting and trying to have a romantic relationship, one of both disappears without explanation. This would be the classic form, although it also could be a gradual and subtle disappearance. Let’s see what types of ghosting exist.
Types of ghosting
The term ghosting arose organically, to define the above described practice. Its use is colloquial, and in the same way, other terms are emerging to designate similar practices or modalities of the same one.
To this day we have:
- Ghosting: voluntary disappearance, sudden and without justification, that someone exerts on some other person’s life who is being known, without any intention of taking responsibility for such behaviour.
- Caspering or curving: voluntary, gradual and progressive disappearance, which someone exerts on some other person’s life with whom has been meeting, without any intention of taking responsibility for such behaviour.
It differs from the first one in that it is a slower and more progressive disappearance. In these cases what changes is not the presence, but the attitude. The person goes from showing interest, being friendly and communicative, to being ambiguous, incoherent and intermittent. To do so, everyone will use different strategies. Someone will stay many days without answering, others will answer you curtly and concisely, others will have excuses, etc. The goal is still to disappear without taking responsibility for it.
Then, in addition to these terms, others can come up to define similar realities, for example:
- Ghosting exercised by a friend
- Ghosting exercised by a relative
- Ghosting only through text messages
- Ghosting within the couple
- Ghosting for “justified” causes
- Etc.
Do you know or can you think of a term that defines any of these specific forms of ghosting?
In any case, all modalities share the same root, which is the lack of affective responsibility on the one hand, and the emotional suffering on the victim .
What is affective responsibility?
Affective responsibility would be just the opposite of ghosting. In other words, ghosting occurs when there is a lack of affective responsibility.
Affective responsibility is the ability to modulate our behaviour so that it does not emotionally hurt (or hurt the least) other people. For that to be possible, first you have to do an exercise in empathy and we must give importance to the feelings of others. If that base does not exist, it will be difficult for us to be affectively responsible. On the contrary: we will act selfishly and egocentrically, like when we do ghosting.
However, not all people who ghost do so because they do not have empathy or care about the feelings of others. There are other reasons and factors that may influence this practice.
Causes of ghosting. Can every practice be considered as ghosting?
The lack of affective responsibility can also occur due to a lack of social skills, social anxiety, shame, difficulty setting limits, fear of the other’s reaction, fear of commitment, etc. For any of these reasons, some people may find themselves unable to decline an appointment, or to express that they have changed their mind on someone. When these fears are faced, many opt for the easiest option, which is to avoid the situation. That is, the moment for rejecting someone is avoided. That is why the use of mobile phones and social networks are an increasing factor for these practices. This is because these resources give us easier ways to avoid these feared situations.
The question now would be: Can it be considered ghosting if the reason is due to that perceived inability to cope with the situation? Is there a need for explicit intent to harm? Is there a need for a lack of real empathy?
Everyone will have a different answer to those questions. In any case, it must be understood that the responsibility is the same for everyone. Whether we call it ghosting or not, we take the risk of harming the other with this behaviour.
Consequences of ghosting on the victim
The consequences on the victim will be emotional, and will be somewhat different depending on whether we are talking about classic ghosting, or its more progressive forms, such as the so-called caspering or curving.
In the case of a sudden disappearance, it can affect us with a feeling of guiltiness. Not having an explanation, we tend to look for the reason in ourselves. We will wonder what we have done to make this happens, or what is wrong with us that makes that person despises us this way. If in addition, we know that person is acting as if nothing had happened or is even meeting others, guiltiness can turn into a feeling of humiliation, and low self-esteem for believing that “we are not enough.”
When the disappearance is slow and progressive, the consequences are somewhat different. “He pays attention to me for a few days and then he spends a week without speaking to me. If he resumes the conversation, he does it as if nothing had happened or making an excuse.” These inconsistencies create in us intermittent uncertainty and a roller coaster of emotions. We are also at greater risk of getting hooked on that dynamic. In order to make that person stays with us, we end up normalizing attitudes that are not correct and allowing disrespect towards us.
In the end, the consequence ends up being similar (low self-esteem and perceived inability to find a partner), but in different ways. In addition, this experiences can create in us a lot of insecurity towards knowing someone else in the future. We could have problems discerning healthy and harmful attitudes, or we could even end up making ghosting to others.
How to overcome it?
If you have been a victim of ghosting, it means that you are going through or have gone through a grief. Even though the relationship has been very short or you have not even met in person, from psychology we still consider it a grief. Mourning occurs when we have lost someone who is important to us, or who has been it at some point, for which we will probably feel a natural sadness. However, here we would be talking about a problematic grief, marked by erroneous beliefs about the other person, about ourselves, and about the relationship that has existed. To deal with it:
- The first thing we must understand is that we DESERVE fair and respectful treatment towards ourselves. Although it is difficult for us to see the attitude of the other, once this is understood, we must act accordingly.
- Acting accordingly means demanding that treatment and cutting off the relationship if it is not fulfilled. In cases of ghosting, these problems usually occur at the beginning of a relationship, so it can still be easier to cut. In cases of caspering or curving, the problem can last longer, so we may be more vulnerable to relapsing with the same person.
- In any case, it is recommended to definitively cut the relationship. Zero contact. It means that we must also avoid contact with that person through friends, social networks, etc. This way, recovery can be easier.
Other tips would also be:
- If we have a good network of friends and/or relatives, we should lean on them. People who love us often see the harmful attitudes of those who practice ghosting before us. Although it is hard for us to see it at first, making them aware of your situation will not only help them comfort you, but also help you prevent it in the future.
- Go on with your life and have projects. Although that sadness is there and we must experience it, we cannot allow it to affect other areas. We are much more than someone who has been ghosted. Staying active will be important for that and it will be easier with activities we love. It can be from traveling, to taking a cooking class or helping in an NGO.
- Take a break from couples for a while. After a breakup or being a victim of ghosting, we are affected and that can have an impact on future relationships.
- Pamper yourself. Self-care is important at all times, but especially in difficult situations like these, in which self-esteem is damaged. You can learn more about self-esteem and self-care on our blog.
- Go to a general health psychology professional, in case you feel too overwhelmed, with difficulties to follow the previous steps, or if even following them, after a while you continue feeling bad.
Guillem Nicolau Coll
General Health Psychologist
Col. No.: B-02773