What is “gaslighting”?
Gaslighting is described as a type of psychological violence. It consists of making the other person believe that they are losing their sanity and making them doubt their judgment, perception or memory.
The term comes from a play, later adapted to film, in which the protagonist tries to drive his wife crazy with a gaslight in order to steal her fortune.
Gaslighting consists of manipulating the person to make them think that what is happening is part of their imagination, thus controlling their perception and creating a position of authority and control. Therefore, the victim is not aware that it is being manipulated.
People who do “gaslighting” want to have power over the person or persons they subject to this practice, creating co-dependent relationships. This situation does not allow the victim to recognize that this is a dangerous and abusive behavior.
At the beginning, the use of the term was only used in the context of the couple, which is why we have been working on it for years in couples therapy. However, in recent years it has been proven that it occurs in different contexts: cultural, racial, work, family, etc.
How to identify it?
The use of denial, lies, attacks on mental health, disqualification of feelings and/or perceptions and manipulation of feelings are some of the most commonly used patterns. The aggressor makes use of confusing communication in order to disguise his or her hostility. Complaints, hurtful jokes, hostile silences or incomplete sentences are frequent and are aimed at destabilizing the victim and creating a feeling of guilt.
Some of the most commonly used techniques to “gaslight” are:
- Rebuttal: Questioning someone’s memory, even if they remember the events correctly. “That wasn’t so.”
- Forgetting: The person pretends to have forgotten something or denies that it happened. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- Blocking or deflection: The person either puts an end to the victim’s concerns or redirects them, changing the subject. “You’re making this up,” “I think you watched too many movies.”
- Trivializing: Downplaying another person’s feelings or concerns or making them seem irrational. “It’s no a big deal.”
- Withhold: Pretending not to understand something or refusing to listen. “yes, whatever you say.”
Examples of “Gaslighting.”
“Gaslighting” is a form of mental manipulation in which psychological poisoning of the victim is performed. The aggressor exploits his victim and denies the harm done to them, going so far as to accuse them of imagining it.
“I did not say that, you are imagining it.”
“You are exaggerating”
“That didn’t happen”
“You are crazy”
“You are too sensitive”
“You’re making it up”
“You know I would never intentionally hurt you…I love you.”
“Do you really think I would make that up?”
These types of expressions are used to deny, minimize or eliminate the victim’s speech, making him/her doubt his/her judgment.
What are the psychological effects?
The first effects can be difficult to detect. They may include:
- Frustration from constant arguing.
- Rejection of the ones who show concern
- Irritability
- Feeling of tension
- Loss of attention and concentration
All of these can have a long-term impact on a person’s mental health and self-esteem. They can also make it difficult for the person to leave an abusive situation.
Gaslighting directly affects the recipient’s self-esteem, creating dependency on the abuser and attacking their mental health.
The main effect is insecurity. The victim ends up believing their aggressor and as a result, doubts everything she feels or perceives.
They are vulnerable to developing anxiety, depression and other mental disorders that can pose serious health risks. Gaslighting is not just a symptom of a toxic relationship, but may be part of a broader pattern of control.
Some of the most common long-term problems are:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Trauma
- Post-traumatic stress
- Low self-esteem
- Insecurity
- Lack of trust
Even after leaving such a situation, some people may have difficulty trusting others. They may be hyper-alert to possible manipulation and feel guilty for not having noticed it earlier. Their refusal to be vulnerable may cause tensions in future relationships.
How to deal with this form of abuse?
The most effective way to silence someone who “gaslights” us is silence. Cutting off communication prevents the abuser from getting what they want: the attention and control of their victims.
Spot the red flags:
- I constantly feel challenged
- I am constantly apologizing. I feel guilty all the time.
- I am accused of being overly sensitive.
- I doubt my worth and whether I am a good partner, son/daughter, employee, friend, etc.
- I feel insecure when it comes to making a decision.
And act on it:
- Analyze well what happened. Make use of tools that allow you to gather evidence: a diary, voice notes, messages, emails, photographs, etc.
- End conversations in which you feel you are being manipulated. You have the right to disagree.
- Don’t apologize for feeling the way you feel, there is nothing wrong with that.
- Set boundaries. Let others know what they are and in the event they cross them, what the consequences are.
- Surround yourself with loved ones who can support you and who can give you another point of view about what happened.
- Seek professional help.
Bibliographic references
Galán, J. y Figueroa, M.R. (2017). Gaslighting. La invisible violencia psicológica. UARICHA Revista de Psicología, 14(32), 53-60.
Nall, R. M. (2020, 29 junio). What are the long-term effects of gaslighting?
Júlia Tarancón Estades
Psychologist Col. No B-3232