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Do you feel that you set goals for yourself that you often fail to achieve? There are many reasons that may be standing in the way of your success. However, one of the most common reasons is self-sabotage.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage occurs when we put obstacles in our own way to avoid achieving something that, in theory, we want. It’s as if a part of us decided to derail our own plans, goals or decisions. It is not a conscious or ill-intentioned act. In most cases, self-sabotage is an emotional protection strategy: it seeks to avoid pain, failure, criticism, exposure or frustration.
The ally of self-sabotage: self-deception
Of course, our brain looks for ways to justify carrying out actions that go against our goals.
Self-sabotage rarely appears alone. It usually comes hand in hand with self-deception. Together, they operate as a psychological mechanism that attempts to protect us, even though in practice it limits us.
Self-deception involves convincing ourselves —partially or completely— of a version of reality that reduces immediate emotional discomfort. It’s not about consciously lying to ourselves, but rather distorting what we feel, think or decide in order to avoid facing something uncomfortable: fear, insecurity, guilt, doubts, pressure, expectations…
Why do I do this to myself?
As we’ve seen, our brain tries to protect us from emotional discomfort. Fears such as failure or even success activate defensive mechanisms that hold us back before taking an important step: we avoid taking risks so as not to fail, or we pause our progress to avoid facing new changes, expectations or responsibilities. Added to this are limiting beliefs —“I’m not enough”, “I don’t deserve things to go well”— which operate unconsciously and shape our decisions without us noticing.
Self-sabotage is also fed by the apparent safety of the comfort zone, even when it doesn’t benefit us. The unknown creates uncertainty, and our brain prefers the familiar even if it restricts us. Automatic habits —like procrastinating, avoiding or comparing ourselves— also play a role, becoming ingrained patterns over time. Altogether, these factors push us away from our goals, not due to a lack of desire, but as a confused attempt at self-protection.
Quiz: “Do you tend to self-sabotage?”
Answer yes or no to each statement:
- You postpone important tasks even when you know it will cause you stress or negative consequences.
- You sometimes reject opportunities (work-related, social or personal) because you fear not being good enough.
- When things start going well for you, you get nervous and do things that may ruin that progress.
- You find it hard to accept compliments and tend to downplay your achievements.
- You tend to compare yourself to others, and this decreases your motivation.
- You feel you don’t deserve certain successes or positive relationships.
- You’ve made impulsive decisions that you later recognize were not in your best interest.
- You avoid starting important projects because you’re afraid of failing.
- You sometimes look for flaws in favourable situations until you convince yourself they’re not worth it.
- When you set a clear goal, over time you find ways to get sidetracked or give up, even without meaning to.
0–2 “yes” answers
You are probably not showing clear patterns of self-sabotage. You may occasionally experience doubts or insecurities (like anyone), but they don’t seem to systematically interfere with your goals.
3–5 “yes” answers
There may be some self-sabotaging behaviours. They might appear during stressful times, transitions or situations that create pressure. Being aware of them is the first step toward managing them.
6–8 “yes” answers
Self-sabotage may be affecting several areas of your life. Exploring the beliefs, fears or habits behind these patterns could help you understand how they influence your decisions and motivation.
9–10 “yes” answer
You are likely experiencing frequent self-sabotage. This may be limiting your wellbeing or your goals. Recognizing it opens the door to seeking support, working on self-esteem, self-compassion and developing healthier strategies.
Self-sabotage is NOT a sentence or a fixed trait, but a set of patterns we learned to protect ourselves —patterns that may stop serving us over time. The good news is that it can be worked through, and doing so makes an enormous difference in how we relate to our goals, our emotions and ourselves.
If you feel that self-sabotage shows up frequently in your life or limits you more than you’d like, attending therapy can help you. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, at the Institute of Psychology-Sexology Mallorca we help you build a version of yourself that is more connected to what you truly want.
Júlia Tarancón Estades
General Health Psychologist
Licensed Psychologist B-03232