What are emotions?
Emotions are often defined as a complex affective state, a subjective reaction that occurs as a result of physiological or psychological changes that influence thought and behaviour. In psychology, they are associated with different phenomena, including temperament, personality, mood, or motivation. According to David G. Meyers, human emotions involve ‘physiological arousal, expressive behaviour and conscious experience’.
Their main function is to give us information about how we feel, what we like or what is going on around us. This information allows us to move and act accordingly. Although they are sometimes annoying and have traditionally been classified into positive and negative emotions, they all have an adaptive function and mobilise us to action. Consequently, there are no good or bad emotions, they are all functional.
Recently, different theories have emerged that attempt to explain the how and why of human emotions, emotional intelligence being the one that has gained the most ground due to its benefits for people’s well-being. Concepts such as emotional validation, emotional self-control or emotional management are becoming increasingly familiar to us.
But… How can we manage emotions?
Living with emotions and managing them helps us to live our lives with greater satisfaction. On the other hand, when we do not manage to relate to them in a healthy way, they can overwhelm, condition, or limit us in our daily lives. To manage emotions, the first thing we must bear in mind is that management is not the same as ‘not feeling’. We often hear phrases like: ‘I don’t want to be affected by things’, ‘I should feel differently’ or ‘I don’t want to feel this way’. If we try to repress our emotions, sooner or later they will come out in the form of disproportionate reactions, physical pain, maladaptive behaviours, and so on. We are emotional, sensitive, and vulnerable beings by nature, we just must learn to manage, navigate and live with all our emotions.
The Theory of Emotional Intelligence (EI)
Emotional Intelligence is a construct that helps us understand how we can adaptively and intelligently influence both our emotions and our interpretation of the emotional states of others. This aspect of the human psychological dimension plays a fundamental role both in the way we socialise and in the strategies we follow to adapt to our environment.
Through this theory, some basic steps to manage emotions are proposed.
- Identify the emotion
What am I feeling? Putting a name to what we are feeling helps us to organise and clarify our emotions. This is not as easy as it seems, as we have a huge variety of feelings and there are many emotions that may be hiding others. That is why taking the time to name what we are feeling is a key first step. For example, sometimes I may think I feel very angry and what really underlies that emotion is that I feel lonely, empty, sad, disappointed….
There are three aspects that are essential in identifying emotions:
- Focusing or directing our attention in the right direction. Mindfulness exercises will help us in this aspect.
- Detect the emotion in relation to the reaction in our organism. For example, sadness usually manifests itself as a heaviness in the chest, although not everyone feels it in the same way.
- Express the emotion appropriately (label it). Having a broad emotional vocabulary that allows us to explore and investigate what we feel will help us to identify them more easily.
- Explore their function
What is the function of feeling this way? What message does it want to give me? All emotions give us information, so we must decipher the message. Understanding what we feel and exploring its function will help us to engage with the emotion in an adaptive way. For example, fear warns us that we are facing danger. That is why we engage in avoidance or escape behaviours.
- Attend to the emotion and allow ourselves to feel it
What do I need right now? Emotions need to be attended to in an adaptive way and to do this it is essential that we first allow ourselves to feel and validate what is going on inside us. Maybe what I need is to allow myself to cry to release tension, or to communicate anger. The same emotions are not always soothed in the same way. So having a good connection and relationship with me will allow me to deal with it more effectively.
- Act accordingly
What can I do with all that I am feeling? How can I regulate this emotion? It is important that the action we take, we do it from self-care and emotional accompaniment and not from the avoidance of what we feel. In this way we will be taking charge of the emotion, giving it space, and allowing ourselves to feel it. There are certain attitudes that do not favour good emotional management, such as fighting against thoughts, doing ‘as if nothing happened’, avoiding thinking about what is worrying you, shouting at someone, taking drugs, bingeing on food…. These long-term behaviours can make the emotion appear more intense.
Tips for regulating emotions
Bearing in mind that the strategies we can put in place to deal with emotions depend on the person and the situation, some examples could be:
- Doing some activity (from self-care) such as dancing, drawing, going for a walk, playing sport, listening to music…
- Practising relaxation and meditation techniques.
- When you feel that you are upset, stop, and take a deep breath for 10 seconds.
- Ask for a ‘time-out’. This consists of pausing the situation to get some time to help you relax. For example, fetch some water, go to the bathroom, and wet your face and hands, etc.
- Ask ourselves a question: how you want to respond to this situation and try to find the label that describes how I feel, to reflect on the emotion.
- Use emotional venting to release those emotions that we hide or ignore. This can be done with a person with whom you have a bond and who you know can provide you with the necessary support and understanding or, if this is not the case, use a tool such as writing to encourage this release.
- See a specialist. He/she will guide you through the process, help you to coexist and integrate your most vulnerable part, helping you to express yourself openly in a safe environment.
Laura Riera López
Psychologist Col. Nº B-03323