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Infidelity is one of the most profound wounds a romantic relationship can experience. Beyond the immediate pain, it leaves behind a trail of questions: Can I forgive? Will I trust again? Can this be repaired? Why did it happen?
It’s not just about the physical act, but about the breaking of an implicit or explicit agreement. Infidelity does not always involve physical contact. It can also manifest through a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, where intimacy, time, attention, and affection—typically reserved for the partner—are shared.
What truly hurts is the betrayal, the lies, the loss of emotional safety. The impact often resembles a grieving process: denial, anger, sadness, acceptance.
It’s important to understand that the goal is not to “go back to how things were,” but to rebuild from a new foundation—with honesty, time, and professional guidance.
Keys to overcoming infidelity
Whether you choose to stay or leave:
- Do not minimize your feelings: the wound is real, valid, and takes time to heal. Pretending everything is fine won’t help in the long run.
- Avoid extreme self-blame: taking responsibility for your part in the relationship is not the same as blaming yourself for the other person’s betrayal.
- Create spaces for dialogue without arguing (free of violence, with emotional safety).
- Seek therapeutic support: you don’t have to go through this alone. Couples therapy can help rebuild trust, understand the roots of the damage, and find paths to healing or decision-making based on respect and clarity.
This process is neither linear nor fast. And most importantly—it’s not voluntary. The injured person doesn’t choose to distrust; they are simply hurt.
Overcoming infidelity is not the responsibility of one person alone. It requires the active commitment of both partners:
The one who was hurt needs space, validation, and time to process.
The one who betrayed must be emotionally available, offer support, and demonstrate real and sustained change.
Can trust be rebuilt?
Yes, but not quickly and not without a process. Trust is not something that is simply “given”—it is constructed:
Through consistent, coherent, and concrete actions.
With clear boundaries and new agreements. With a deep understanding of what failed and what is now required.
Trusting is like diving headfirst into a pool. There is always risk, but how much water is in the pool makes all the difference. Fidelity, in itself, can never be guaranteed 100%. That’s why every relationship includes an element of faith.
But there’s a significant difference between:
- Diving into a pool where you clearly see there is water (acts that support trust: transparency, coherence, reparative behaviors),
- … and diving into an empty pool (a lack of change, empathy, or commitment from the other party).
Faith requires facts to support it. Without them, trusting becomes a blind—and often painful—act.
To the one who was unfaithful: This is also your process
If you betrayed your partner and still want to repair the relationship, there is something essential you must understand:
After infidelity, the injured person no longer sees the world the same way. What was once neutral—a missed message, a night out with friends, a change in mood—can now feel like a threat.
This is not drama or exaggeration; it is a trauma response. Just like with other traumas, the nervous system becomes hyper-vigilant, scanning for signs of danger to avoid being hurt again.
Your partner may now see ghosts where you see nothing.
Because now, anything can be a trigger. And even if it seems exaggerated, illogical, or unfair to you, their pain is not guided by your logic—it follows their emotional experience. They may react if you arrive late, smile at your phone, or seem distant one day.
At that moment, you have two options:
- Defend yourself, say “It’s not a big deal,” or even get angry.
- Or validate their feelings, even if you don’t fully share them, and show that you’re emotionally present to support them. Validation is not about accepting full blame. It means saying: “I understand this made you feel bad. I’m here. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone.”
That—along with consistent actions—is what begins to refill the pool.
Saying sorry is not enough
Forgiveness is a process, not a single moment. Your partner may need to talk about the event many times, in ways that may feel uncomfortable or painful to you. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to move forward—it means they are trying to understand, process, and heal.
Phrases like “I already said I’m sorry,” “Let’s just try to be okay,” or “I don’t know what else to do” may come from a place of fear or frustration, but often feel dismissive and close off the space for meaningful dialogue—leaving the other person feeling misunderstood or alone in their pain.
We must be willing to accompany our partner through their emotional ups and downs—and most importantly, validate how they feel, even when the triggers seem illogical or trivial to us.
Can I Forgive Emotionally?
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, justifying, or minimizing.
Forgiveness means freeing that part of yourself that remains tied to resentment—even if you ultimately decide not to continue the relationship. Emotional forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the other person.
- Am I willing to let go of resentment, anger, and accumulated pain?
- Can I look at my partner without every memory hurting me, even if I still remember what happened?
Can I stay in this relationship?
That’s a different question. You can forgive someone and still choose not to remain with them.
Or you can stay in the relationship without having truly forgiven—which is a recipe for chronic resentment.
So, you should also ask yourself:
- Is there a genuine commitment to change?
- Do I feel like I want to (and can) rebuild something new with this person?
- Am I doing this for myself… or out of fear of being alone, guilt, or habit?
Sometimes forgiveness comes with time—not at the beginning. Sometimes it never comes, and that’s okay too.
Overcoming infidelity is neither a simple nor universal process. It depends on many factors: the type of relationship, shared history, the nature of the betrayal, and the willingness of both parties to heal and rebuild trust.
Some couples emerge stronger; others realize that forgiveness doesn’t always mean continuing.
There’s no one right answer. What matters is making decisions from a place of self-respect and emotional honesty.
Júlia Tarancón Estades
Registered Psychologist B-03232