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“I got over it.” This phrase, so often spoken or heard, can sometimes hide a deeper truth: what hasn’t truly been processed is often just placed in an emotional drawer. And as we know, drawers left closed for too long tend to overflow. That’s how many unhealed traumas operate — they stay quiet, but continue to shape the way we feel, behave, and connect with the world around us.
Trauma is not only a great catastrophe.
When we talk about trauma, many people think of extreme events: accidents, abuse, natural disasters… These are considered big traumas (or “Big T” traumas).
But trauma isn’t always something extraordinary. Sometimes, it can be subtle, repetitive, or even “invisible” to the person experiencing it: an emotionally distant childhood, a humiliating moment at school, a sudden breakup with no explanation, or growing up feeling like you were never good enough. These are known as small traumas (or “little t” traumas), and they can have a profound impact—especially when they happen over and over again.
What matters most is not so much what happened, but how the person experienced it, and whether their nervous system was able to process it in a healthy way or not.
What happens when we don’t process it properly?
The brain has a natural ability to process and integrate experiences. But when something overwhelms us—due to its intensity, duration, or a lack of resources to cope with it—that experience can become “stuck.” It’s as if a part of us gets frozen in that moment.
And this can show up years later in the form of:
- Disproportionate reactions to seemingly harmless situations
- Persistent anxiety or panic attacks
- Difficulty trusting others or maintaining relationships
- A sense of emptiness or emotional disconnection
- Guilt, shame, or low self-esteem
- Among others…
A common example is someone who, as a child, was constantly criticized by their parents. Now, as an adult, they may react with intense fear to any feedback at work or feel easily rejected in a relationship. Even if they rationally know “it’s not a big deal,” emotionally they may fall apart.
This is not weakness. It’s the traumatic echo of the past.
Trauma is not overcome with willpower
One of the most common mistakes is thinking that time heals everything, or that all you need to do is “look ahead.” But when an experience hasn’t been properly processed, time doesn’t dissolve it—it only silences it. The problem is that many people live with symptoms stemming from that trauma without even realizing it. They seek quick fixes but don’t understand where their distress is coming from.
This is where a powerful therapeutic tool comes into play: EMDR therapy.
EMDR: Reconnecting with the past to live in the present
EMDR (which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a scientifically supported therapy, especially effective for working through trauma. It was developed by psychologist Francine Shapiro in the 1980s and since then has become one of the most effective tools for treating disorders related to post-traumatic stress, as well as anxiety, phobias, complicated grief, and emotional blockages.
How does it work?
The process begins with a careful exploration of the problem and the related life experiences. Once the therapist and the person have identified a traumatic memory or a significant scene, they work using bilateral stimulation (usually guided eye movements, alternating sounds, or gentle taps on the hands or knees), following an evidence-based protocol.
This stimulation helps the brain to “reprocess” the trapped information. In other words, it facilitates the integration of that experience—which until now caused distress or reactivity—in a more adaptive way.
It’s not about forgetting, but transforming: the memory remains, but it no longer hurts. The emotional charge is reduced, and the person can heal more naturally.
A real case (with a fictitious name)
Clara, 35 years old, came to therapy because she felt she couldn’t trust any partner. She always ended up sabotaging relationships when they started to become deeper. During EMDR therapy, a seemingly “trivial” memory emerged: when she was 9 years old, her mother left for three days without warning or explanation. Although her mother returned, fear and distrust quietly settled in Clara.
After several EMDR sessions, that memory stopped causing her anxiety, and she was able to understand what had happened and how she had experienced it. This allowed her to open up emotionally in her current relationships without that constant filter of fear.
Important note: This case is presented as an example, but often a symptom is not directly related to a single memory, and the work required is more complex.
What if the trauma isn’t “that severe”?
One of the wonders of EMDR is that the memory doesn’t have to be “traumatic” in capital letters. Often, we work with everyday scenes that were deeply significant to the person: a look of contempt, a harsh word, a moment of loneliness left unshared. Anything the brain couldn’t properly process—big or small—can be addressed with EMDR.
The value of a therapy that accompanies with respect
One of the most appreciated aspects of EMDR by those who undergo it is the feeling of control and respect throughout the process. It’s not necessary to explain painful scenes in full detail. The therapist guides, but it’s the person’s brain that does the work naturally, as if it could finally bring order to the chaos.
And no, it’s not magic. It’s neurobiology serving emotional well-being.
To conclude: when it’s not about forgetting, but integrating
We all carry wounds. Some are visible, others more hidden. But that doesn’t make us weak—it makes us human. What we can choose is what to do with them. Ignore them? Pretend they don’t exist? Or face them head-on, with professional support, and give them a new place within ourselves?
EMDR therapy invites us to do just that: to stop running from the past so we can finally live in the present. Because when trauma is processed, the pain doesn’t disappear like magic, but it stops controlling our lives from the shadows.
At the Instituto Psicología-Sexología Mallorca, we have professionals who can support you if you wish.
Paola Obrador
Registered Psychologist B-1815