We all know that maintaining harmony in a couple’s relationship can be complicated. Sometimes this harmony breaks down because something specific happens, but there are many other cases in which, without warning, the relationship has been deteriorated over time until it is too late. But how could that happen? At what point did we start to drift apart? Questions like these have led Gottman and Silver’s (2014) to attempt to find which factors within the couple make it more likely that the relationship will deteriorate. With their research, they have concluded that there are certain negative internal dynamics that if performed repeatedly can lead to the breakup of the relationship. They have called these actions, “The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse”.
- Criticism
There is a big difference between voicing a complaint and criticizing. We will always have some complaints about someone we are in a relationship with. Complaints refer to a specific action in which your partner has failed. For example:
“I’m very angry because you didn’t turn the dishwasher on as we agreed.”
Criticisms are more global judgments and include negative words about your partner’s character or personality. Criticism goes further and include blame. For example:
“Why are you so absent-minded? I hate always having to turn the dishwasher on when it’s your turn. You don’t care about anything!”.
Criticism is very common in couples (almost all couples criticize each other at times). The problem is that when this occurs very frequently, since it paves the way for the other horsemen, far deadlier.
- Contempt
Contempt can show itself in many forms (sarcasm, scepticism, insults, rolling of the eyes, mockery, hostility…). Contempt gradually poisons the relationship because it implies dislike. It is complicated to solve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you are displeased with him/her. This horseman always helps to increase conflict instead of conciliation.
An example of contempt can be seen in the following conversation. Mary is annoyed that John does not clean the bathroom the way she thinks it should be cleaned:
“While I spend three hours cleaning the kitchen, you have cleaned the bathroom in two minutes. That says a lot about you and how involved everyone is in this house. Then I must follow you around cleaning what you’ve already done. You’re selfish.
John explains that he has always cleaned the bathroom this way and does not know how to do it any other way, but Mary ignores his explanation. John tries it again and says:
“If you would help me clean the bathroom the first few times, I would know how to do it better. How about we give it a try?”.
But she does not take advantage of this opportunity for conciliation and continues with the contempt:
M: “Do I have to help you clean the bathroom? How many times have you helped me clean the kitchen?”.
J: “Okay, if you help me clean the bathroom, I’ll help you with the kitchen”.
M: “Oh yeah, that’s funny (laughs ironically). Then I would have to clean the parts of the kitchen that you wouldn’t clean. Do you think I’m your mother?”.
It seems that Mary is not willing to find a solution, but a fight. The contempt is increased by keeping negative thoughts about the couple for a long time and by not solving these conflict situations. Surely, the first time Mary she told John about this issue, she made a simple complaint such as “I think you should pay more attention when you clean the bathroom.”. But by not reaching an agreement and perhaps seeing no change on John’s behaviour, these negative thoughts and emotions were accumulating over time and coming out of more and more in the form of contempt.
- Defensive attitude
Since Mary is showing contempt, it is logical for John to defend himself. Although it is understandable that he would do this, research shows that this is rarely successful.
Let’s look at an example with the same couple.
J: “I think that if you help me the first few times, then I could do it by myself the way you like it”.
M: “Yeah, like when I taught you how to fold clothes. Did you learn how to do it back then? The clothes you fold, the clothes I’ll have to iron” (mockery and contempt).
J: “I try to do my best and I don’t think I’m doing so bad. Besides, getting back to the bathroom issue, I’ve spent my whole life cleaning it like this and I haven’t gotten any infections” (defensiveness).
M: “Oh well, if he didn’t get any infections, we’re saved” (sarcasm).
The partner who reacts defensive does not usually give in or ask for forgiveness because, really, it is a way of blaming the partner. What the other interprets when we defend ourselves is “the problem is you, not me”. All this contributes aggravate the problem. With this defensive attitude, no one wins, and the couple loses.
- Evasive attitude
When the criticisms and the contempt have been there for a long time, a defensive attitude appears (the fourth horseman) and one or both members drift apart.
Let’s imagine Carla and Pedro. When she meets up with her friends and goes home, Pedro usually criticizes her because he thinks they do not spend enough time together. Over time, Carla has learned to shut up and distance herself, but the more she does that, the more he yells at her. She eventually chooses to leave the room to avoid the fight, but this jeopardizes the relationship as it gives no chance to resolve the conflict. She acts as if she does not care about what the other says, as if she does not hear it.
Q: “You always say no when I propose to do something together, but you are always ready to go out with other people”.
C: “That’s not true, every Friday we have dinner plans, don’t we? But you know that I have a very stressful job and sometimes I’m very tired and I don’t feel like it”.
P: (laughs) “You’re not so tired to hang out with other people”.
C: “You know it’s not the same. Are you seriously going to reproach me for going out with my friends once a month? It’s always the same, this is exhausting…”
P: “Of course it is, everything that includes me is exhausting. If you were told that by your friends, you wouldn’t be so tired.”
C: (looks down without saying anything; evasion).
P: Is that so or not?
C: (continues to evade silently, doesn’t look at him or express anything).
S: “Don’t you have anything to say?”.
C: (silence and leaves the room).
This attitude contributes to Pedro’s feeling that Carla does not care about what he says and that the conflict is not resolved. Little by little, this couple will drift further and further apart.
The fact that from time to time these horsemen appear in our relationship does not necessarily imply that it will deteriorate, but if they manifest themselves frequently, it is more likely. If you think that this may be happening to you and think we can help you improve your relationship, do not hesitate to contact us.
References:
Gottman, J.M. y Silver, N. (2012). Siete reglas de oro para vivir en pareja. Un estudio exhaustivo sobre las relaciones y la convivencia. Barcelona: Penguin Random House Mondadori
Psychologist Col. Nº B-02615