It is possible that sometimes you have thought that someone close to you was very dependent on his/her partner, family, or friends, or even yourself have felt or currently feel very emotionally dependent on a specific person. In this article you can find out exactly what emotional dependency is, what its characteristics are and what can cause it.
Emotional dependency can be defined as an extreme need for affection from a partner or a significant other. The exchange of affection (feelings of wanting to be with other persons, to have their support, to feel loved and valued) is proper and normal within interpersonal relationships. When this exchange of affection becomes something that we need and not simply something that we want or would like, we can be involved in a case of emotional dependency. Therefore, the difference between “normal” affection and emotional dependency would be quantitative. In these cases, there is a clear asymmetry of roles that leads to one being above the other and the relationship being unequal.
Emotional dependency can occur in different types of relationship, such as a friendship relationship, but it is more likely to occur within a couple relationship. Below there is a list of characteristics that people with emotional dependency may show:
- Fear of loneliness, which generates an excessive need for contact with the other person. This can be shown by thoughts such as “I need him/her to answer my texts”, “I need to know where he/she is and what he/she is doing all the time”, etc.
- Prioritization of the other person above anything else, as he/she tends to consider him/her the centre of his/her life. Therefore, on many occasions he/she ends up making decisions based on the other person’s criteria and not on what he/she really wants, or lets others make the decisions for him/her.
- Idealization of the other person, overrating his/her qualities and sometimes even evaluating the other person as a special being. On many occasions, a totally unequal relationship is established, in which the dependent person is afraid of losing the relationship and therefore submits to the other person, even becoming a victim of physical and/or psychological abuse.
- Fear of separation from the other person, which makes him/her to check that the person is still there (“if he/she leaves me, I won’t be able to bear it”). These behaviours are often counterproductive since, in many cases, the other person is overwhelmed by all this attention and distances him/herself even more.
- Desire for exclusivity within the relationship, so that the person with emotional dependency usually thinks that they are meant to be together and do not need anyone else.
- Need to please others or the person to whom they are dependent. Most of the time, they have difficulties in expressing their own desires or feelings.
- Very low self-esteem and very negative self-concept, poorly adjusted to reality.
- Negative mood and/or comorbid psychopathological problems, such as anxiety or depression problems, eating disorders, etc.
- In many cases, history of unbalanced relationships (“I always give more than the other person”) and/or short periods without a partner (“the longest I have been without a partner has been 2 months”). Breaking up the relationship is unthinkable for them and causes them intense discomfort, but as soon as they start to recover, they are prone to look for another similar relationship.
What causes emotional dependency? It is difficult to answer this question because it is usually due to an interaction between several factors, without any of them being essential. On many occasions, someone with emotional dependence has had early affective deficiency. This means frustrated or unsatisfactory experiences, characterized by lack of affection or inadequate affection from relevant people in their lives. It can be identified by phrases such as “my parents never told me that they loved me” or “I never had the feeling that I did something right”. In more extreme cases, abuse or neglect behaviours may have occurred. There are also persons that have experienced excessive overprotection by caregivers, so that they have not learned how to manage important aspects of their lives and feel that they need someone to take on the role of caregiver, to not feel helpless or unprotected. Unsatisfactory experiences in adolescence or adulthood (for instance, suffering unfaithfulness) can also trigger or intensify emotional dependency behaviors, or became them chronic.
When somebody suffers from unsatisfactory early relationships, may try to disengage from people who do not provide a healthy interpersonal relationship or try to become more attached. The person with emotional dependency choses this second option. As they have not felt loved or valued, they crave this feeling and end up looking for it whatever it takes. Thus, they normalize negative behaviours from relevant people (lack of affection, contempt, humiliation…). For them it is more rewarding to be in bad company than to be alone. This whole process is greatly influenced by the low self-esteem mentioned above.
It should also be considered that certain biological factors may make us more genetically vulnerable to emotional dependency. Among these factors are the presence of anxious and depressive problems, having a more sensitive to punishment temperament, or the fact of being a woman, compared to being a man. In relation to the female gender, sociocultural factors also play a very important role, since women have always been the ones who have had to care more about interpersonal relationships and about others, giving up their own interests in many cases. Another important sociocultural factor is the type of culture, since western cultures are more individualistic and promote more the idea of romantic love (“love can do anything”, “I cannot be happy if I have not found my better half”, “jealousy is a sign of love”…), facilitating the arise of emotional dependency.
As you might see, emotional dependency is a very complex phenomenon that can cause great discomfort and interference in our daily lives. If you feel identified with what you read in this article, it is important for you to know that emotional dependency is something you can work on to gradually gain the autonomy and self-confidence that you deserve. Do not hesitate to contact us if you find yourself in this situation or recommend this article to whoever you think may benefit from it.
Aina Fiol Veny
Psychologist Col. Nº B-02615