There are four types of social interaction behaviour: aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Depending on the style of communication we adopt, the way we relate to others will change.
Before explaining the different styles of communication, we must keep in mind that sometimes the limits between one style and another cannot be so clear. The important thing is to know how to detect which of the styles described below we feel we match more.
A. PASSIVE STYLE
The person does not respect himself. He does not give his opinion or express his feelings in case it bothers someone. Yield to the wishes and requests of others, even if they are abusive. He remains silent. He does not dare to intervene in the conversation. He does what others tell him to do, he does not defend his rights.
What does he say?
Remains quiet, gives monosyllabic answers, overthinks before communicating
How does he say it?
His voice trembles, he stutters, he speaks very softly…
What does he do?
He looks at the ground or looks away, turns red, makes nervous gestures, adopts a shrunken posture, and so on.
An example of a passive style would be: A team leader who is unable to communicate to a certain worker the mistakes that he does on his job.
B. AGGRESSIVE STYLE.
The person does not respect others since he gives his opinion and expresses his feelings without caring if he bothers someone. He does not give in to the wishes and requests of other people, even though they are fair. He interrupts them, monopolizes conversations, imposes his criteria, violates the rights of others, etc.
What does he say?
Insults, threatens, says things without tact or brutality.
How does he say it?
Screaming, speak with a very high tone of voice
What does he do?
Stares at people, turns red with rage, makes authoritarian gestures, adopts an arrogant posture
An example of aggressive communication might be saying: “You are useless, I better do it”.
C. PASSIVE – AGGRESSIVE STYLE.
It is a communication style that has aspects of the passive style and the aggressive style. They indirectly express negative feelings instead of externalizing them openly. In this way, they use a hidden aggressiveness to canalize the emotions of rage and anger that accumulate for not knowing how to express them in the right moment and correctly.
What does he say?
Blames others but does not express hostility or anger in an open.
How does he say it?
Many times, using sarcasm, making excuses, or lying.
What does he do?
Delays in completing tasks or forgets them, makes excuses and lies, leaves things for later.
An example of passive-aggressive behaviour could be preparing exaggeratedly slow for a party you don’t want to go to, so when you arrive it is almost finished.
- Assertive style
D. ASSERTIVE STYLE.
The person respects himself and the rest. Opines and let others give opinion. She expresses her feelings and puts herself in the other person’s shoes. He does not yield to the desires and requests of others when they are unjust, but he does when they are reasonable. Speak and listen carefully. He does not necessarily impose he’s criteria. He demands he’s rights and respects the rights of others. Sometimes this aggression can be more indirect, for example, using sarcasm or irony.
What does he say?
Speak politely, say things directly.
How does he say it?
He speaks in a confident voice, not too slow and not too fast, in an appropriate tone of voice.
What does he do?
He looks into the eyes, keeps his gaze without fixation, gestures coherently with what he says, adopts a natural posture.
An example of assertive communication could be: “I was bothered by the comment that you have done, I would like you to tell me in another way”.
In conclusion, there are different styles of communication and these can be found more intermingled in practice. The best choice of style of communication that we can adopt is the assertive style since, in contrast with the other styles, it provides us with good self-esteem and prevents many possible conflicts. In this sense, these styles can be worked and be modified in therapy to help us relate better to both the people around us as with ourselves.
Xavi Ponseti
Col. Nº B-03138